A Person of Few Words

Screaming silences

The thoughts in my mind

I can feel their angst

But words are hard to find

 

I struggle with words

They forever evade me

Messiahs of my thoughts

They forever fail me

 

Them thoughts pound my head

Demanding release

“We need to be said

Let us out, please!”

 

Their expression, their release

Is my reason to be

For if not my thoughts

What is my legacy?

 

So don’t dismiss me in a hurry

As someone with little to say

It’s a matter of time

Before my thoughts have their day

 

For now they stay imprisoned

A lack of choice

Locked in my mind

For want of a voice

 

That’s all they need

Just the wealth of words

But till they are freed

I am as you know me

 

A person of few words.

 

 

 

A Good Night

When the lights go out

So do all differentiations

Everything gets absorbed

In a rich velvety darkness

 

The night is a great leveler

It swallows up all distinctions

The day’s convictions dissolve in the night’s cabernet

And everything that was something loses its grip

 

The expectation of the night is total surrender

It claims from you your all

All the sparkling acquisitions of your day

Stand shrouded by an austere night

 

And it doesn’t seem to care

About all the things that decorate your existence

As it falls like an ink blot

On the script of your life

 

So while the day adds to your life

Things for the mind and things that matter

The night subtracts

Reducing your prized possessions to mere amusements.

 

I stand in the darkness of the night

Strangely redeemed…

As light exits and things lose their ‘edge’

I find that ‘I’- am still there…

 

In and through the absences, I prevail…

My only gain… my total loss

My only strength… my vulnerability

My only society… my solitude

Unanswered

You asked me why I ask

So many questions

When the answers are so few

 

What purpose could it serve

Asking so many questions

And will new answers

Stop me from asking

The same old questions?!?!

 

Why can’t I accept

The answers already given (or perhaps hidden)

For centuries…for eons…since eternity…

 

Aren’t willful ignorance

and elusive enlightenment

riding on the same adventure?

 

I don’t know…

 

I guess I find no silence, no repose

In the posers

you call answers

 

For the same twisted reason

 

 

You get so disturbed, so diverted

By the posers

that are my questions.

 

So there we are

All gesture paused

By an exasperated silence

 

Thought defeated, we now just are…

Sitting vis-à-vis

Sailing together, I realize,

In the same clichéd boat

To a destination known only to silent destiny.

 

Unintended

Pen, book and intention

A haiku seems like a good idea

I need to know even though I know

Is this temporary, fleeting?

How must I apprehend it

This totality in existence?

How do I classify it

For the sake of memory?

‘Contemplation?’

‘Boredom?’

‘Living out my purpose?’

‘Existence?’

‘Being?’

‘Becoming?’

‘….none of the above…?’

 

And now I know

Acceptance is active and creative

And now I am

Excited, happy, alive!

Free of all lofty intention…

The Free and the Fugitive

I sat still in my car

Incapacitated by the traffic jam

Unable  to inch forward

My eyes moved up…

I saw the metro crawl…

Above it, a plane flew past

In an open sky

My mind travelled

I visited a childhood memory…

And then a book shop in California…

And then to a time when Kiara would be vaguely older…

And then…

” Door na ja-o… Door na ja-o… (don’t go far away from me, don’t go far away from me…)”

My traveling mind was arrested by this voice crooning on my car stereo

I paused…

Cut short my mental journey through time

And listened out of a sense of obligation

(after all, I had turned on the car stereo to listen to music…)

I brought my mind back to where I was in the traffic jam

With the metro crawling above

And yet another airplane flying above in a vast open sky.

 

In that moment I knew

My mind was vaster

than the vast open sky.

Lost Property

How dear is my present to me!

Even as it stands imperfect

And flawed

 

I know it. It’s familiar.

I’m drawn to it because it so effortlessly

Becomes mine

 

My present is the culmination

Of the hours, days and years I’ve devoted to

Become me.

 

If I lose it, I will lose all the vanities

That I had with great complexity interwoven with

My being

 

I will stand a ridiculous lie unto myself!

 

My heart will weep not so much

For the loss of people, places, property

Or poetry

 

But for standing disrobed and diminished

Before all that I dressed up

And decorated.

 

The present is rich in the meanings of thoughts

Whose enslavement I have come

To enjoy.

 

Who am I without them?

WHERE am I without them? They’re all

I’ve known.

 

My tormentors have been my only love…

 

And even though I know

That life is a habitually

Late messiah

 

A sleeping savior in a dream state

I can see now that I’m nothing more than

Its dream.

 

All or Nothing

Why speak
Of everything the ears hear
Or of every thought the mind entertains

Why must I be dragged
Out of a sense of custom or civility
Into every exchange of dull gossip

Why must I be numbed
Into believing every lame fib
That masquerades as profound insight

How do I purge out
Every toxic thought
That has been dumped into my mind
And now stains everything I see

How do I skim
This scum of ideas
That grotesquely distorts
An otherwise silent and clear reflection

How do I rise above
This discontent with my world
And forgive its relentless assault on my senses

Should I…
Refuse to see?
Refuse to hear?
Refuse to feel?

Would that help?

Why, I wonder,
Must there be all or nothing…

…Gently but surely
it dawns upon me

the meaning of Providence
…Of Indiscriminate and Total Abundance
…Of Benevolent Blessings

And now my mind rests…
Clean and still…
Receptive and silent…

Reflecting –as it does and it must
Inch for inch
Your full embrace.

To Know is to Exhale

If only we knew… knew what we truly wanted… knew what was expected of us… knew our true potential… knew clearly- right from wrong… knew how to work, to love, to care, to respond, to express, to atone, to change… the list is endless!
But, why do we wish to know? Do we hope and perhaps, suppose that knowledge can arm us with the power to shape our experiences; that somehow we can take charge of our destinies and escape the effects of karma? Is there this hope within us that prior knowledge can help mitigate the experiences that life has in store for us?
And, does it? Does knowing about death; about the transient and phenomenal nature of existence save us from experiencing grief and sorrow and loss? Does knowing a priori the many challenges in a marital relationship save us from experiencing our own?
What then, can be an appropriate expectation from our knowledge? Is the purpose of man’s education to ‘know’ his world and thereby gain sovereignty over it? We wish that our learning be elegant, sophisticated, free of all embarrassing follies. Yet, probe a little, and you’ll see that it is only after fully experiencing that we truly learn. We get affected, addicted; we fall; we err; we summon up a dormant courage, we rise and we learn. Our education system supposes that if we started from the end we’d skip the pain and suffering and jump to a higher level of consciousness. So it says- learn, rise, summon up your courage and beware of falling… But then, aren’t we putting the proverbial cart before the horse?
What is true knowledge? When can you say you know something? How do you know? Can knowledge be borrowed or transferred? Does knowledge fulfill a purpose or is knowledge in itself, the purpose to be fulfilled?
We perceive a world external to us. It seems to have been there even before we were born and we believe it shall be there even after we go. Our instructions about this world begin very early on in our lives. We see, hear, smell, taste and touch and that knowledge is interpreted for us. We’re informed that that what we touch, see, hear and smell has a name; and not only will knowing those names do us good (in terms of social acceptance and survival), but also, we must know what the world before us has known about our experiences. We call this education.
But is such an education past its day? When man believed that the world manifest before him was a challenge he needed to surmount, an education at the level of gathering and disseminating information may have been relevant and enough. But has this information-oriented system of education become irrelevant today? Today, we’re aware that the world’s challenges- global warming, environmental molestation, terrorism, consumerism, corruption, violence, excessive legislation, power imbalances, wealth and resource depletion and of course, a token education begin and end with the biggest culprit- man himself. He alone is both the problem and its solution. Of all the problems we perceive at a macro level, the individual’s constitution is the microcosm. What seems like a huge monster-like challenge- standing outside of us- has in reality- proceeded from the darkness of the individual heart and mind. Where true knowledge is absent, imagination is most fertile and desire uncontrollable. Our imagining that our futures might be at stake pushes us to amass and hoard wealth. Our imagining that we may be deprived of love, affection and acceptance, makes pretense, lying and empty tokenism a way of life. Our imaginary fear that life is ruthless and difficult makes corrupting an easy lifestyle choice. We delude ourselves into believing that we know… but can you truly claim to know anything without knowing the fears and machinations of your own mind.
It is to dispel this darkness that man seeks knowledge. And we wish that the knowledge we receive be true and authentic and not the mere transference of another’s interpretation and fertile imagination. But how are we to know that we indeed, truly know?
We read. We speak. We exchange views and we find ourselves believing some things and discarding others. The external stimuli are available to all; yet the simple action of an apple falling from a tree prompts a Newton to discover the law of gravity, an artist to see in it a rich symbolism and an agriculturist- an opportunity for cultivation. It seems that we come to know what is in our essential nature to know. We can only know that which resonates and concurs with something already in existence within us. Look back and you shall see that the knowledge that truly mattered was not that which cloaked your ignorance, but was that which revealed to you your wisdom. Wisdom does not dwell in the height or breadth of our thinking, but lies in the depth of our understanding. And therefore, often, the most erudite teachings, that hold the answers to every possible question ever asked pass us by like an indifferent wind. Not everything touches us, speaks to us or inspires us. And when something does, we truly feel that it lends more power to our voice.
True knowledge therefore, may be discerned in correct self-expression. When you know something truly and authentically, it flows in and out of you as effortlessly as your breath. The quest for knowledge is fundamentally, a search for your own voice.
Knowledge and understanding cannot be given to us unless we have within us an equal knowledge and understanding to give.

Separation

Feeling now keeps its distance from me

I can see it

And am aware of its presence

But feeling and I don’t touch anymore

Our love affair-

Torrid, passionate, obsessive and humiliating

Has ended

We’ve drifted apart as lovers

And found our bliss as friends

Co-existing and comfortable

In the separateness of our identities.

 

The Moment

It takes a moment

for ‘Forever’ to end.

The hours, the days

The months, the years

Can be swallowed in a moment.

The stories we are stringing together

The stories we are living

Can come undone

And scatter like pearls

that lose the thread they cling to

All in a moment.

The Moment is the Ministry of Justice

The Moment is the Sentinel of Truth

The Moment is the Breath of God.

It’s not easy to stand

So close to The Moment

Its power is immense

And so is its mercy.

It can take away your All

Leaving you with nothing more

Than yourself.

Cutting you down to its size

Reminding you

That yourself is all that you’ve got

And The Moment is all that you need.